Friday, May 20, 2016

Worst Blogger Ever Part 2

Hello? *tap- tap* is this thing on?

My last post was the worst blogger ever! Boy is that ever right..

I guess I just haven't been feeling it, the love of sharing about my life. I guess what it comes down to is I'm just in a funk. I don't know what else to call it other than what it is. When I started this blog forever ago it was to chronicle our quest for another baby. I had baby fever, bad. Really it was the longing for a girl. I got my baby, the sweetest little boy in the world. I couldn't love this little crazy, wild child more. Oh how he makes me laugh and oh how he makes my world a better place. He cracks me up on a regular basis and pretty regularly takes me by surprise with the things he says. Could not imagine that journey turning out any different. It was the perfect ending to that journey. 

I really thought the "fever" would go away. I thought I would feel complete and on some levels I do. Complete is such a strange thing for me because I certainly don't want to down play my feelings about my boy filled world. They (all 4 kids and husband) complete me. But I can't help the longing I feel so very deep inside of me for a girl child. There's so many things I will never experience as a boy mom.There will never be mother daughter pedicures, mother daughter laughter at chic flicks, mother daughter bonding over heart breaks, mother daughter bonding over an engagement, wedding and pregnancy.  I know that daughters-in-laws will come along and maybe even granddaughters but none of those will ever be the same. Daughters-in-laws will always choose their moms over me and odds are granddaughters will too, and that's the way it's supposed to be. It's just the design of it all. I know this.

I also know that there is nothing that will ever compare to my little boys saying they want to marry me when they grow up or being the center of their whole worlds when they are little. It truly is the best. I know my boys adore me and they always will. God's design however is for them to leave me and go to their wives. I know this and that's what I want for them. I pray all the time for the wives God has for them and that they will be Jesus girls and that they will love my boys fiercely. I know all of these things and yet the longing is still there. 

I wish I knew if all women, the ones who don't have a daughter, feel this way, if the longing is there. If it is, oh how I hurt for them. I know how it feels when people around us are having girls. Its part envy but its part awe. Awe that they will get to experience beautiful things with this child. Its like my eyes always see the little girls in a crowd. I see them, all ages and sometimes the longing is so strong its all I can do to escape before someone sees it in my face. I'm happy for them but there's still such a sadness about it for me. Only these other non-girl moms will know. Don't get me wrong I know that with all the beautiful girl things come hard things. That's just part of the whole parenting gig. 

I've said all of that just to get to this. I am well aware that my body is done birthing babies. I'm completely good with that. I've made some beautiful boy babies. It was a little bit of a hard realization that I wouldn't have a daughter biologically. OK. bit is a stretch. It was a lot hard. A LOT.

I wish I could remember when the realization hit me that there are kids all over the US that don't have moms and dads. I was young, really young. It broke my heart then and it breaks it now. Having said that, I don't think that adoption occurred to me then. Maybe because it wasn't talked about and when it was it seemed to be discussed as very expensive. Its only been in the last 3-4 years that I've realized it doesn't have to be. Actually way less expensive than birth at a hospital. I guess that's when I started feeling a different kind of tug deep down. The one thing that has played on repeat in my head. What if God's plan for me to get my daughter was through adoption. What if she's already out there longing for the exact thing I am, only hers is for someone to love her only the way a mom who's longing for a daughter can. I've voiced some of this out loud. This is one of the places where Chris and I don't seem to be on the same page. I don't know all of the whys. I just know we aren't in the same place. 

For the last year or so, my prayers go something like this... "God please put Chris and I on the same page. Please let us see things the same way. Please soften a heart. If adoption isn't in your plan for us, please take the longing away or at the very least make it hurt less." Recently I've gotten so tired of saying that prayer and not feeling like it's getting me anywhere, hence the funk. So if you're reading this... please say a prayer for me as I could sure use them!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  Philippians 4:6

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